National Tacographic Presents - Texans: Home on the Range
It is a warm lazy day in the vast deserts of Texas.. One new to this landscape might think nothing could live here, but they should suspend disbelief until later in the morning when the Texans begin to stir. Early explorers thought Texans were cold blooded and waited for the sun's ray's to warm them. We now know Texans are waiting for the effects of whiskey to wear off.
Upon leaving their humble dwellings decorated with Navajo blankets and cattle skulls the Texans will enter their pickup trucks leaving an old hound to guard the homestead from other Texans who might move in. All Texans migrate daily to the strip club, this truly is their watering hole. Here the Texan may seek out food, beverage and mates all while being protected from their natural enemy, the Kentuckian. As country music rings out the Texan spots a mate from across the club, the Texan drunkenly approaches. He tips his 10 Gallon hat attempting to draw the females attention and attempts to hold it with his jangling spurs, an offer of whiskey impresses the female and she agrees to follow the Texan home. If she is impressed by his collection of Navajo blankets and cattle skulls they will mate.
The Texan feeds exclusively upon a diet of Beef, Whiskey and Mexicans. If feeling threatened the Texan will immediately draw their six-shooter and squeeze off a few shots as a warning, however the defense is merely a loud sound designed to scare off Kentuckians. The Texan is seldom sober enough to see in a straight line and thus cannot aim.
The Texans worship a Deity known as "Walker, Texas Ranger" who is reenacted by the chosen disciple of Walker, Texas Ranger; Chuck Norris. Texans pray to Walker, Texas Ranger to protect them from environmentalists, hippies, feminists and free expression with an elaborate ceremony called "high school football", which is revered by all Texans. If the grid iron dance pleases Walker, Texas Ranger he will appear before them on CBS and send down his Divine wrath.
