Time for my half of this lecture, I guess.
Right, well, I don’t claim to know as much about zombies as my colleague, but I have read the aforementioned Zombie Survival Guide, about a year ago. I may be able to remember some tips from that, but most of this stuff is just going to be common sense. Also note that I refuse to refer to them as ‘zeds’ or ‘rots’. That way, madness lies.
As far as I know, Britain is currently 100% zombie free, so I’m not unduly worried. However, you must never let down your guard; a zombie outbreak could happen at any moment. As this
simulation demonstrates, a single zombie needs only an hour or so to infect an entire city. Always be prepared!
But let’s say, for whatever reason, you have failed to follow Bara’s advice – you haven’t stocked up on supplies, you haven’t learnt to use a gun, you haven’t set up a barricade. Maybe you don’t think it’s necessary, maybe you can’t be bothered, maybe you don’t even believe that zombies exist. And then, bam! The zombie apocalypse hits, and you are totally unprepared. Don’t worry, though; if you follow my advice, you might still make it out alive.
Hopefully, you’ll be at home when you first hear about the zombie outbreak. Preferably you’ll find out about it on the news or the internet, rather than from the moaning figure at the window. At this point, it’s way too late for collecting supplies, but you can still throw together a makeshift barricade, nailing chairs and stuff to the doorframe if possible, or just blocking every entrance with heavy furniture. Next, fill every container in the house with water, as the water supply could be cut off at any moment. Take all the water upstairs, along with as much food as possible, and anything else you might need. If the zombies haven’t actually arrived yet, you’ll have more time to sort this out, but if they have you’ll want to get everything upstairs as quickly as possible. If you have a gun, start shooting at the zombies from the upstairs window. Make sure you don’t shoot any innocent civilians; you don’t want to have to cope with the guilt of murder along with everything else. Be prepared to chop or burn down the staircase if necessary, but only as a last resort, as this will leave you effectively trapped. If you have a flare gun or something with you, use it sparingly, to signal any passing rescue teams. Without an emergency supply of food with you, you aren’t likely to survive long on your own.
What if you’re out and about when the zombie plague hits? Presumably, in the ensuing panic, several people will become zombified before you even know what’s going on. The important thing is to stay calm and focused, and take control of the situation. First of all, try and pacify the panicked mob, and get them to start thinking rationally. I still believe you stand a much greater chance of survival if you have a large group of people with you. Not too large though - nine is probably the maximum. However, if the mob refuses to be calmed, you’re going to have to go it alone for the time being; you may be able to join up with another group of survivors later. Your next course of action depends on the situation. If there are zombies everywhere, you want to get to a high place quickly. A tree will do; not somewhere like the roof of an office block, where you could be easily cornered. If there are only a couple of easily evadable zombies around, run (or drive) to the nearest general store. Grab as much food and drink as you can comfortably carry, without it slowing you down. It’s best to have some kind of bag to put them in. Then you want to try and find a gun, or failing that, a baseball bat. Keep moving, and avoid places that are likely to have a high density of zombies, like town centres and suchlike. You could be on the run for a while, unless you find a suitable abandoned building to hide out in. You might come across someone else’s anti-zombie stronghold; approach cautiously, to make sure they don’t mistake you for a zombie, and ask them to let you in. Be ready to run if they turn hostile.
If you live near the sea, then head to the docks and find a boat. Sailing is harder than it looks, but if you can’t find a handy captain anywhere, just steal a boat and go. Once you’re on the water, you should be safe. Yeah, zombies can walk around underwater, but they shouldn’t be able to reach you. Stay in deep waters, and never drop your anchor. Keep sailing in a straight line until you reach land. Carefully go ashore, and check out the surrounding area. If it looks zombie free, grab your weapon and get some more supplies as quickly as possible, then get out of there. You could be living on the seas for many years, so get used to it.
Huh, I ended up writing more than I expected about this. Anyway, you now have a plethora of expert advice at your disposal. Get eaten by a zombie now, and you’ve only got yourself to blame. And also the zombie, I guess.
Feel free to point out the flaws in these plans; as Bara said, these guidelines can always be improved.
