Two Options

[Solnath]

As we all know from prison escape movies, toothbrushes work marvelously against rock, but if you decide to use a paperclip, you have two options.

Either it's a normal paperclip or then it's Clippy, the god-awful annoying piece of crappy crap in MS Office.

[Allama]

Of course, it'd be better if it was a normal paperclip, but if it's Clippy you have two options:

You can either put up with him or go mad under the pressure of his insufferable attitude.

[Solnath]

Of course, snapping right away would save you from a lot, seeing as you're in Hell, but if you can put up with him, you have two options:

Either you use him as a tool in your revolution against Satan or you keep and cherish him as your one true friend.

(By the way, I am completely certain that Clippy is male, since even though I'm a misogynist PoS, even I don't believe women can be that annoying.)

[Allama]

Of course, cherishing him as your friend would be better, but if you decide to use him to revolt again you have two options:

Either your coup succeeds and you become Lord of Hell, or you narrowly escape with your soul and manage to make your way back to Earth.

[Solnath]

Of course, like the old saying goes, "Better to rule in Hell than barely escape back to Earth," but if you do the latter anyway, you have two options:

Either you celebrate your newly found freedom or you go and complain about what happened to you to someone.

[Larry]

Of course, it would be better to get it off your chest, but if you go and celebrate you have two options:

Get drunk and crawl home or get sucked back into Hell by the Gods of Irony.

[tak]

Of course, it would be better to get sucked back into Hell, but if you want to get drunk and crawl home you have two options:

The Vodka or the Pivo (Beer)?

[Solnath]

Of course, vodka has no competition, but if you go with Pivo, you have two options:

Either you have to drink a lot of it for it to have any effect or you have to drink a lot of it.

[Larry]

Of course, it would be better if you had to drink a lot of it, but if you have to drink a lot of it you have two options:

Either you realise it still isn't working and give up, or you drink some more.

[tak]

Of course it is better to realize that it is still not working and give up, but if your are drinking some more, you have to options:

Either you keep on drinking beer, or you go for something exotic, like Slivovice

[Allama]

Of course, everyone knows mixing different kinds of alcohol makes a lot of people sick so it'd be better to keep drinking beer , but if you decide to go for something exotic you have two options:

You can either sip some Cuarenta y Tres or gargle Kahlua.

[Solnath]

Well, it'd be better to stick to Kahlua, because of its friendly name, but if you decide to go with Cuarenta y Tres, you have two options:

Either you drink it with salt or without.

[Allama]

Of course, it'd be better to drink it without salt, because with it would be disgusting, but if you decide to go for the salt you have two options:

You can either gag in disgust and everyone will laugh or enjoy the strange taste and make everyone think you're nuts.

[Solnath]

Of course, it'd be better if you gagged as the salt is pretty unhealthy, but if you like the taste, you have two options:

Either you patent it or decide no one else will ever like it, so why bother.

[Larry]

Of course, it would be better to forget about it, but if you decide to patent it, you have two options:

Stumble drunkenly to the nearest patent office or wait until morning.