How to survive a ..........

[LLANYDERN]

In homage to Flem's how to survive a disaster film

How to survive in a maverick cop action film
1. If you are a cop do not retire (especially don't talk about it except to say things like "I'm not retiring I love my job")

2. also if you are a cop you do not want to be the idealistic new guy paired up with the maverick loner

3. If you have no name (or your name is a description) do not pick up a gun or do anything heroic (in what film has security guard 3 ever survived)

4. If you find out a Friend/loved one is a maverick loner cop distance yourself as far as possible (if necessary kill them, remember its them or you)

5. If you fancy a maverick loner cop be as big of a bitch to them as possible as this way you will end up together (though make sure the bad guy is dead first)

6. don't worry as long as your the hero/anti hero when defusing the bomb you will always pick the right wire at the last moment (or password or what ever) If you are the bad guy you will fail or seemingly defuse the bomb only to have a second bomb which you don't defuse go off for comedic affect.

7. Always remember to kill the bad guy in a ridiculous manner ideally using some piece of industrial machinery (and remember to always have a witty phrase to say at the point in a slightly menacing tone(good examples are "bite this", "case closed" (or my favorite line when a bad guy got fed through a clothes press "I'm glad we got that all straightened out")

[Solnath]

8. Always smoke, but tell everyone you're "trying to quit." This will automatically make you the good cop who will survive.

9. If your boss at the station loves yelling at you, relax, you're the protagonist.


I'd reckon that the Evil Overlord list and its continuation, the Dungeon list, qualify.

[LLANYDERN]

pretty much

[Khablan]

An excellent addition to the soon-to-be-famous "How to Survive" series!

[Flemingovia]

10. If you are a female cop, DO NOT have sex with the hero. You will be shot soon after.

11. Do not go near a nail gun.

12. Do not take off your helmet to wipe your brow. That is a sure sign there is a sniper in the neighbourhood.

13. If you are a villain, do not chase the hero into a factory, especially if he is wounded. You will fall into a vat of molten metal. Trust me.

14. if you are the villain, do not attempt to shoot the hero anywhere near a prostitute. There are two things you need to know about prostitutes: a) They all have 10 year old asthmatic sons who are doing well at school. b) they all have hearts of gold, and will shoot you to save the hero even though they themselves will have to die before the end of the movie so that the hero can get off with the heroine.

15. Do not wave that bloody gun around for dramatic effect. it WILL go off and shoot someone. Probably you.

16. Do not say anything racist, sexist, or homophobic. Holywood morality states that you will have to die to teach the audience a lesson.

17. For God's sake, if you have the hero in your gunsight, just shoot the bastard. Do not spend 10 minutes making a speech. He will use the time to work his hands free of the bonds and grab a wrench which he will throw at you, knocking you off balance. Just shoot him and be done with it.

[Flemingovia]

18. Jump. Don't bother looking first. There will be a load of empty boxes mysteriously in the alleyway to break your fall.

19. If you are stuck in a lift (elevator) LOOK UP. There will be a trapdoor in the ceiling. This never happens in real life. You can also stop the lift by pressing buttons at random.

20. If you are the hero, do not bother to aim. You can hit any target with a single shot. If you are the villain, do not bother to aim. You cannot hit a barn door with a shovel.

21. Do not lean over the balcony to shoot the hero. Holywood rules say you MUST get shot so you can topple dramatically over the edge.

22. If the personnel file says "his hands and feet should be considered lethal weapons", do not tease him on his way out from his psychological assessment.

23. Yes, you dumbass. It is heroin. Don't stick your finger in and taste it.

24. Jimmy the Snitch will only tell you the truth when you threaten to shoot his testicles off. Do not trust him until then.

[Bara]

Just asking, can i change the subject?

[Flemingovia]

Probably better if you start a new thread.

[Varkour]

The most important one:

When you shoot the villain, shoot him AGAIN IN THE HEAD.
(Otherwise he gets up again and attacks you)