The title says it all. This last year of English at my high school as part of our study of Dante's Inferno we were tasked with writing Cantoes of our own. It just so happens that the five Cantoes I managed to produce, actually reflecting the adherence to a certain rhyming scheme, are still lying about on Google Documents. So I figured, why not share it with the world? So I copy and pasted and now here it is, Five Cantoes' and who knows how many lines' worth of one of the most amusing writing assignments in my memory, rife with odd metaphors to fit a forced rhyme scheme and set to a plot that appears to have in part been potentially LSD induced.
Canto I
It was nearing the advent of Summer
Yet my spirit lay burdened by anguish
And boredom which made it seem as Winter.
Little nourishment came of any dish
And former merriments seemed dull and stale;
I was impotent as a gutted fish.
So in this drugged state it came to prevail
That my sherpa to Hell's inverted peak
Appeared to begin this bizarre tale.
His arrival was a sudden event;
Walking down the path at dusk's arrival
The earth beneath my feet buckled and bent.
I lept backwards to avoid the tangle
As the ground itself rose as fertile yeast
And opened a gateway to the infernal.
I was deeply frightened to say the least
For as I stood amber eyes appeared
And from the depths exited a great beast.
Upright he stood there seven feet in height;
His visage was not human, but lupine
Muzzle, teeth and pricked ears all formed that sight.
He was furred from his head and down his spine
Upon the tips of his fingers stood sharp claws
And behind a tail as bristly as pine.
And over this he wore a suit sans-flaws
Complete with tie and glasses on his snout
This oddity made me ponder his cause.
Summoning through fear my wavering voice
I spoke direct to this fearsome fellow
"Who are you, why am I for this your choice?"
For an answer he then bent as a bow
Bowing before me in proper fashion
"Chase van Lope, and no need to fear me so.
But a guide, without murderous passion
And as legal consultant to this Hell
I am here to lead your sense and vision
For you good and fine friend are privileged
To a complete tour of this inferno
Stay close and you shan't find yourself damaged.
Now if greetings are done we ought to go;
To one as busy as I time is key
We have to be hasty and never slow."
Thus my new guide padded of rapidly
And for all his strange and monstrous form
I followed, the only choice I could see.
Canto II
We descended into the black portal
Gravel and soil sealing shut behind us
Stating the matter to be quite final.
I did not protest, nor raise any fuss
But as I paced behind my guide through the dark
Curiosity pooled in me like puss
Till my voice sang in the gloom like a lark
Asking "Why am I to view sin's domain?
Why do I against all others stand stark?"
"Chance, and nothing more," was Chase's terse answer
"I, sifting through the finances of Dis
For I play both accountant and lawyer
Found something which was just all too amiss.
Our tax exempt status was in trouble;
Lost in our foolish self satisfied bliss
We gave no one the lay of each level
Of Hell as divine law mandated us to.
The dice picked you, no need to be humble;
The chances here were six billion to one
And you are certainly a lucky man
It's an opportunity few would shun.
But I am afraid that I must place a ban
On further discourse for the time being
We are at the destination of plan
From where we will start our tour of each ring."
Keeping with his own law, Chase said no more
As through the night I spied a gate looming.
Canto III
The gate was impressive in every way
Wrought in stone by subtle architecture
And from its surface fiery sparks flew stray
For sharp and wicked flame wreathed its texture
And there carven upon the hot surface
The words "Attention: If you are a new sinner
Please qeueu properly and wait for service."
Truth be told, I found it disappointing
It seemed an anticlimax, just careless.
But guide Chase was not deterred, and entered
The doors swinging ajar at his approach
I followed through, lest I be unpreferred
And be denied like a sickly cockroach.
There inside we chanced on the promised queues
Lined up neat and tidy, ready to poach
Were one in the sport of hunting those slews
Of restless and surely damned souls headed
For this land's punishments and fiery pools.
The waiting damned's progress was close to none
As they waited to be attended to
By the being by which the place was run.
"Here at Hell's entrance," began Chase anew
"Is where the freshly come dead are first brought
And assigned their punishment that they rue."
He paused a time, as if his tongue had caught
But soon continued "And at the line's front
We find he from which all sentence is wrought."
In answer there arose a grand clamor
As some new monster flailed and screamed up front
So that it lifted even Chase's fur.
"Is that he?" I questioned, direct and blunt
"Indeed, the old man goes by Kamajii
A temper which many employers shunt
But we found that while ever so angry
He all the same fulfilled the task we had
And as such kept him here as you can see.
Steel yourself, for now you will meet with him."
And with that we stepped past the waiting souls
Fearful foreboding in my every limb.
Amid a flurry of ink and neat holes
From which spouted endless new documents
He sighted us with eyes that glowed as coals
He ceased his six arms' frantic engagements
Shuffling those papers hither and thither
And spoke "If I am correct, you two gents
Are our most recent winner and his guide.
And if that's the case, then begone and leave!
I have work here, just hurry on inside."
He then again worked his arms in a weave
And spoke no more of it, no longer slack.
"There is nothing talking will now achieve"
Said Chase "So we will exit through the back
Through the door and down the stairs to go on."
Thus we passed from there and down the set track.
Canto IV
"For consideration on this travel,"
Stated Chase as we descended further
"We come first to the outermost circle
From where I promise you it will get grimmer
And populating it are those shadows
Which I consider the most wretched cur."
"Who are these you believe to be your foes?"
I inquired of my guide, struck by his ire
"What was the most wrongful life that they chose?"
"Here are cast those sinners guilty of sloth.
Lethargy's call drew them into its grasp
As shining flame draws to it a moth.
Now you will see them as they pant and gasp
While they are put through their just punishment."
And indeed, I could hear breath wheeze and rasp.
At the path's end down which we had been sent
I saw the promised cursed stretched before me
And gaped in awe as their judgment was lent.
They were sunk in brown and bubbling ooze,
Smelling of chocolate's sweet aroma,
Some alone, some clustered in threes and twos.
They were languid, as if in a coma
I saw the cause of their stillness; great weights
Wrapped about them as if a thrown bola.
Such is it for those Kamajii mandates
Be sent to this sickly and putrid mire
And as I thought I saw he who berates
The sluggish wallowing in cocoa slime.
A mound of muck himself with a false face
He roared "Get up, get up! You're wasting time!"
And when the damn tried to rise from their place
But could not for the vast weights on their backs
The living grime lashed them with little grace.
He howled "You lot of dumb and sullen sacks!
Do you love this sloth and misery such
That you would be whipped until your skin cracks?"
"The monstrosity's right name is Gloppy
A frightful massing of animate goo."
My ever helpful guide informed me.
"With his tendrils he lashes at those who
In life did no task or job worth the name
And would dodge any hardship that might brew.
Look close, and you might see a certain dame;
Paris Hilton, who shunned all honest work
Beside her, Anna Nicole Smith, the same."
The gory spectacle enthralled me then
And my heart leapt to see such harlots maimed
As they writhed in agony in the fen
Seized by heady excitement I exclaimed
"I am glad to see this reprimend dealt
To you worthless shams, too long left untamed!"
Chase for his part approved of what I felt.
"It does me well to see you satisfied.
But we must leave Gloppy and his harsh melt."
Canto V
We began our progress anew and fresh
And waded through the gross and base fudge mire
Whose substance sucked at our clothing and flesh.
"We next visit a realm, even more dire,
Wherein the next class of sins, greed and glut
Are seen to (not to mention it's drier)."
So we climbed down into the next great rut
Step by step down another flight of stairs
A steel door opened, and then firmly shut
And there stretched out before my guide and I
A plain of crimson without any bloom
From which came a stench for which I could cry.
From this horrific olfactory doom
Wise Chase did stagger back and clutch his nose
Lest his keen scent be assaulted by vile fume.
As I viewed that field as red as a rose
I turned and spoke "Good sir, tell me now,
Where comes this stench at which my nostrils froze?"
"Cast your wandering eyes upward," he said,
Making from his tie an impromptu mask
So that the odor might not leave him dead.
"And there you will see as they float and bask
In this wholly forsaken atmosphere
The most unusual and homely cask
From which this scarlet scene came to be here."
Following my guide's prudent instruction
I looked up and saw great beasts in the air.
Suspended above was an absurd flock
Of tremendous and grossly swollen hogs
Who with great and obscene dead eyes would gawk
At the dark landscape as if they were frogs.
"Observe, the time is now at hand," spoke Chase
"It will rain shortly, but not cats and dogs."
I watched then as the nearest porcine face
Began to expand and distort itself
A bellow rising at a rapid pace.
The bloody prairie stirred with unseen life
Souls slithering from the depths like the eel
To the roar that cut the air like a knife.
And then at last with one final bass squeal
The so bloated hog burst its tortured seams
And rent the air with a thunderous peal.
"From the ruptured carcass a red mist streams"
Spoke Chase as I watched the event unfold
"And each damned spirit struck by that fog screams
For among it unseen are the pig's guts
Which falls on and scalds each greedy sinner
And induces pain worse than a thousand cuts."
My guide spoke true; as I watched it occur
There arose volumous anguished wailing
As hog meat burnt flesh amidst the red blur.
My spirit faltered at such suffering
And I clapped my hands upon my two ears
To deny them that so twisted singing
Noticing my distress, Chase took concern
"Come, if this affronts you so, we move on
But as we do note among those we spurn
A man you well know, a man who would fawn
Over his plastic empire," said Chase.
"Donald Trump, lord of avarice, now gone
Into Hell's dark and eternal embrace."
Thus we concluded our stay in that sphere
And for what would come I myself did brace.
