Text Jokes

[Ess]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass, while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected

[Khablan]

LMFAO!!!!!  Okay, now that one's definitely a keeper. 

[Ess]

Why math is taught in school

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off?  ........  I think not.

[Ess]

Sailor walks into a bar and spies a pirate at a table by himself. He walks up to pirate and asks if he can sit with him and buy him a beer. Pirate says Arrrr! Sure, mate!
Sailor asks the pirate how come the peg leg? Pirate answers Arrrr! I was made to walk the plank and a shark bit me leg right off! Sailor asks about his hook arm. Arrrr! We pirates be a fightin' bunch and I got me arm hacked right off! Sailor asks about his missing eye. Arrrr! I looked up at the wrong time and a bird sheet in me eye!
Sailor asks that's how you lost your eye?
Pirate answers Arrrr! First day with me new hook!

[LaughterAndSunshine]

 

[Nightloser]

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

[Ess]

^


Three Little old Ladies were sitting on a park
bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by.

The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Well, the first old lady had a stroke.

Then, the second old lady had a stroke.

The third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far.

[Algerianbania]

lawlz

[Nightloser]

An Irishman, a Italian and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Italian opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Pasta again! If I get pasta one more time, I'm going to jump off too."

The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Italian opens his lunch, sees pasta and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Italian's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him linguini or mastacholi! I didn't realize he hated pasta so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."