Taijitu
Forum Meta => Archive => General Discussion Archive => Topic started by: Akka-Wakka on February 22, 2008, 04:43:34 PM
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As some of you may know, I am a resident in the United Kingdom (England). Although I haven't lived in the UK all my life, I have been brought up to speak in what is known as "The Queen's English."
(http://img261.imageshack.us/img261/3701/queenbumfn1.jpg)
This is a Queen.
Despite any preconceptions you may have, this is not speaking in a posh accent. It is more about using correct terminology, spelling and grammar. It differs most notably from the English used in America, in its lack of Americanisms (Amazingly, this is true). Here are some examples:
"Centre" - Notice the use of "re" instead of "er." (This is the same for many words like "Metre")
"Colour" - Notice that there is a "u" after the second "o," to form "our" instead of just "or." (Again, this is the same for "Favourite" and "Honour")
There are numerous other examples, some of them listed in more detail Here (http://www2.gsu.edu/~wwwesl/egw/jones/differences.htm).
I should point out a certain fact now. British English is Right, American English is Wrong. The proof in this is that British English came first (and it came from England).
With the above in mind, I must confront certain individuals on this forum about language use. In particular, I have the following phrase in mind:
Bitches ain't shit.
Apart form the fact that I have no idea I have no idea what this means, I am frustrated by the fact that this sentence has no verbs. At all! This is technicality impossible. There is also the fact that it makes no grammatical sense, and is misleading. Is the "ain't" being used in that peculiar American way where it is actually positive rather than negative? (e.g. "I ain't seen nothing" literally translates to "I have seen something," but actually means "I haven't seen anything" or "I ain't seen anything.")
I feel I must ask these questions and point out these facts to preserve the integrity and reputation of this forum.
P.S.:
I suck at Spelling. This much is probably already obvious. Any mistakes are however not my fault, but those of the spell checker this forum uses. (Which, by the way, has been constantly objecting to my blatantly correct spelling!) I therefore recommend that we change spell checkers.
I also like Waffles.
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Why use the unneccessary u? It's pointless. That and centre looks like it should sound like "sentry".
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Haha, So, the Queen's English is right, while the American English is wrong. So what does that make Canadian English? Confused?
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Well that's a tough one, since the Canadians do have the same Queen...
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what about the Australians?
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*Me sticks to the most eminent language on this globe... his native one :trout: @ English
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what about the Australians?
All us colonials are different. Canadians are Englishmen trying to sound like Americans, while Australians and New Zealanders have a really cool accent with great words like billabong. I lost my Canadian accent and now I have a weak southern American accent. :)
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As i say
"I don't speak English, speak Amercian! which, in itself, is like the backwoods, inbreed cousin of English"
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Oh, poor deluded Akka-Wakka and your linguistic chauvinism.
First off all, "Bitches ain't shit" does contain a verb. In this case, "ain't" a contraction of "not" and "are". Also, sentences do not need to have a verb in constructions like this by any means at all. Languages which do not require a verb like "be" are quite common, known as zero-copula languages. Consider the following example from standard Russian:
"On simpatičnyj."
Literally, "he nice", i.e. "he is nice". Or consider colloquial Japanese.
"Tomodachi wa isha."
Literally "friend [TOPIC] doctor", i.e. "my friend is a doctor".
Likewise double negatives like "I ain't seen nothing" are very common in the languages of the world and were also common at one point in English (Chaucer and Shakespeare certainly used them) before prescriptive grammarians trampled all over the language with idiotic rules. Consider Russian again:
"On ničevo ne znaet."
Literally, "he nothing not know", i.e. "he doesn't know anything". Japanese is much the same. Compare "nani ka suru" with "nani mo shinai". Or consider the Japanese for "No one knew anything at all," "Dare mo zenzen nani mo shiranakatta." Literally, "No one never nothing didn't know."
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While an English teacher here in the States would tell you that ain't is not (ain't) in the dictionary, it is a common colloquialism, yeah. However, I know for a fact that plenty of Britons can also barely speak their own language, so we all have something in common.
As for the spell checker, that bastard doesn't think "antidisestablishmentarianism" is a word, so it can go to hell. At least, that word comes up in yellow, indicting that there's something wrong with it when there clearly isn't. Stupid spell checker.
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crasy, amasing, blasing, brasil as examples of what American English would use Z instead of S...it's easier for them, as Myroria suggests with the "unneccessary u"
This is a normal thing to happen in colonies, happened in Brasil with our Portuguese, they tend to make things easier linguistically. "Time" (Teem) for example is a Brasilian term for "Equipe" (Team) « you see where they get the idea from. Although it's not considered an official word...at least to my knowledge.
I'm not sure if Centre is solo British English, but sure looks closer to the latinic form.
Australian in my favorite English accent, way funnier than those mates in tha thames.
What's the original English accent? I don't think the "London Accent" whatever you want to call it, is the original, anyone know that?
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A mix of ancient Danish, saxon, celtic, germanic languages spiced up with Roman latin?
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The "original accent" is long dead. Languages naturally change with time, and it's the subsequent variety which makes English such a great language.
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Bitches Ain't Shit
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I AGREE WITH WHAT OC SAID!!!!!!!
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Yes, languages change. Which is why American English is better. It's easier to use. And you're not even consistant with your -er/-re's. You guys don't say "peppre", do you? It doesn't even sound good. "I spat at that dirty Yankee" puts too much emphasis on the verb. "I spit at that fancy-pants Brit" flows better.
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I Don't!
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I RÖVEN HELLER!
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Bitches Ain't Shit
OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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well said, new guy.
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Bitches Ain't Shit
OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Drinks Kool-Aid Man*
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that's revolting.
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So's your face.
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BBBUUUUUURRRRRNNNNNNN :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
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PWNED BIOTCH! :smack:
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your moms a bitch.
oh, and by the way prag, i face is revolting when it looks like this
(http://i212.photobucket.com/albums/cc305/Severne/emptyingcamera.jpg)
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* Akka Breaks down and sobs.
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BBBUUUUUURRRRRNNNNNNN :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
OHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
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your moms a bitch.
oh, and by the way prag, i face is revolting when it looks like this
(http://i212.photobucket.com/albums/cc305/Severne/emptyingcamera.jpg)
You're just jealous, cuz I get all the bitches. :-P
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As a bitch, I am here to confirm Kor's statement.
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:wb: :D
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:wb: to you too :D
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Seconded.
:D
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But, Kor, why would that matter? Bitches aren't shit.
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Correction ^ "Bitches ain't Shit"
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Frankly, the English can rot on their tiny little island. There are more Americans alive than there are English, so by numerical superiority inherent in our democracies, our English is correct.
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Xy, what democracies?
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You know, those things where opinion doesn't matter blind party allegiance does. I like to call it oppression by majority.
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Well when we English made America - we inserted a self destruct in case you ever got out of hand.
It's currently the president. Unfortunately, since it went sober, it's not had quite the same effect but...
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I knew he seemed uncultured for a reason. It's cuz you British took away his Americanishism!!
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hmm..only one course of action!
A FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!!
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Good idea, have at it.
Thunderdome.
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We don't have those amazing hairstyles anymore, anything we do would be mediocre in comparison.
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(http://www.mccullagh.org/db9/9/burning-man-thunderdome.jpg)
they have it. and without the hairsytles.
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OMG I soooooooooooooooooooooooo have to do that!!!!
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heres the website
http://www.mccullagh.org/image/9/burning-man-thunderdome.html
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oh, and by the way prag, i face is revolting when it looks like this
(http://i212.photobucket.com/albums/cc305/Severne/emptyingcamera.jpg)
You're just jealous, cuz I get all the bitches. :-P
Damn straight! ^_^
/me by sitting on Kor's lap.
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*looks up the word bitch of wikipedia*
on sweet lord...
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Something I managed to dig up. Personally, I think it's great! :-P O:-)
My Favorite is No. 7
JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER TO AMERICA
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how inaccurately you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour,", "favour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra"; you may elect to respell "Pittsburgh" as "Pittsberg" if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry any-thing more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and with-out the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
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ooookkkkk...
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Did you mean "Okaaaaaay"?
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no, i meant
ooookkkkk...
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Suuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeee.....
:fight:
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yep.
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That is absolutely brilliant! Hear, hear!
But... does this mean we get to be in the EU? :-P
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But... does this mean we get to be in the EU? :-P
Don't worry. I wouldn't even wish that on my worst enemy. Tis a fate worse than endless beurocracy! It is endless beurocracy "for your own good!"
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^Oh so true...
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Here's my complaints against the British:
1. Your humor (Yes, HUMOR) is bland and unfunny.
2. Your egos are too big for someone who got conquered by the Romans.
3. Your queen does nothing and doesn't have to pay taxes.
4. Your largest colony has 30,000 people on it.
5. You recently claimed a rock.
6. Scotland wants to secede, and you lost Ireland, but you're still a united kingdom.
7. You named an island after a gender.
8. You spelt "Jersey" wrong.
9. You can't even stick to your own measurement system.
10. The names of your towns are too long.
11. English isn't popular because of England.
12. Your former colony has a bigger navy than you.
13. At least I can use your version of baseball bats to row away from your island.
14. There, apparently, is not one dentist in all of England.
15. You take an hour to drink a cup of tea.
16. People in London don't blink, because the fog cleans their eyes for them.
16a. You don't know what the sun looks like.
17. The life expectancy of a prostitute in London is 6 months.
17a. Correction. The life expectancy of anyone in London is 6 months.
18. Your version of the Office sucked and ran two seasons.
19. About 17 people work in your news network.
20. "Zed" is not a letter.
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In the spirit of (good-natured?) national joking, here's a rebuttal.
The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times.
DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA
To the imperialist British colonizers.
In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".
2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.
4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.
5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.
6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".
8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".
9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.
10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.
11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.
12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).
Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.
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That my friend, I frankly brilliant. Well done.
You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either.
Hee hee
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Now that was funny :clap: :clap: :clap:
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11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.
12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).
\o/ That was hysterical! Go America!
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At least we still have our pride :drunks: