You can survive any disaster movie if you follow these simple steps....
1. Make sure you get into an elevator with a heavily pregnant woman. The lift will stick, and the baby will be born, but you will be rescued in the nick of time. No pregnant woman or new-born baby has ever died in a disaster movie.
2. If a car is blown towards you along the street, just duck and put your hands over your head. The car will bounce over you every time.
3. If anyone says "relax, this is the safest place in the city" RUN.
4. Never get into a helicopter with any elected official.
5. The scientists are all wrong, apart from the one maverick loner who interprets the data differently. Listen to him, he is right every time.
6. The solution to the city's problems will always involve sewers or flood channels. I have no idea why.
7. Don't worry about the plucky teenager on a bike who goes out in search of his mom. He will be fine.
8. Do not be tempted to try to guide that group of teenage girls to safety. Trust me, they will be absolutely fine without you, since teenagers (like pregnant women and babies) cannot die in a disaster movie. If you get involved, there will be a point when you have to sacrifice your life for them. They won't even be grateful.
9. When you emerge into the daylight, do not stand up and raise your arms in triumph. That is when the falling masonry or giant alligator gets you.
10. Do not do anything involving setting explosive charges. Just as you set the last one, a column WILL fall, crushing your legs. You then will have to stay there and blow yourself up to save the city.
