Taijitu
Forum Meta => Archive => Archived Fun => Topic started by: Xyrael on January 08, 2007, 11:04:44 AM
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This is a place for good jokes that make you laugh. Here's a joke I heard, and I might be Polish but it's damn funny.
A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: An acre and half.
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She bought a bottle at the drug store and put on a shelf in the bathroom. I read it - it says "Polish Remover."
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Some polish inventions:
1. A Book on how to Read
2. Sumbarine with a screen door
3. A dictionary with an Index
4. Waterproof towl
5. Glow-in-the-Dark Sunglasses
6. Solar flashlight
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I thought the solar flashlight was an american invention :P
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rofl @ Bustos
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Nah, only the polish woulda thunk it.
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no it was an american invention
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The american invention was the solar BATTERY flashlight.
There's a difference.
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Proof that Adam was white: You ever try to take a rib from a brother?
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Proof that Adam was white: You ever try to take a rib from a brother?
actually yes, its easy whether youre white or black walk up and say "brotha, can you spare a rib?" and he will give you one, unless you are too white in which case he will tell you to get your own or you are too black and he will run away [/partial joke]
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You can't buy love, but you most certainly can pay dearly for it.
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Anyone know how every black joke begins?
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If you think money cannot buy love, you are shopping in the wrong outlets.
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I take that as a no to my answer....
*looks around for black people first*
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No...
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Ah the joke really only works in person...oh well.
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:P
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so i'm going at it with this girl right.... its going real good shes way into it and damn she tastes good.......then suddenly she stops me and says, "hey dousn't this kind of make you a pedophile?"..... i look at her and say, "wow thats an awefully big word for an eight year old."
lol perversion is sweet ;D
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"If she can write her name, then she's game."
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What's the most difficult part of cooking vegetables......???
Finding a pot big enough to fit the wheelchair in.....
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LOL... what about a Yo Mama joke...
Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!
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Yo momma so fat her blood type is Ragu.....
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Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.
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yo momma teef so yella, dat when she smile, cars be slowin down yo!
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a bit off color
Q: What do you call a pile dead black people in a barn?
A: Used farm equipment
wow that wasnt nice, but its bad enough to get posted :p
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LOL.. bad joke
What do bees do if they don't want to drive?
Wait at the buzz stop.
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yo momma so stupid, she tripped over the cordless phone.
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ok ok i got a good one.
Theres these 3 guys on a boat. 1 Brit, 1 Mexican and 1 American. They all need to throw something overboard that there Contry has to much of. The Brit Thorws in Tea, the Mexicano throws in Tacos and the American thows in the Mexiacan. The Brit Ask's "why did you do that?" The american says to him " we have to much of him".
Does anyone get it?
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I got a joke for y'all...
(Pirate ship in the Carribean in the 1500-1600s)
Cabin boy: Captian! Merchant ship off the port bow!
Captain: Arrg! Cabin boy, get me my red shirt!
*fight scene*
Later...
CB: uhh... Captain, I gotta question.
Capt: Arr, speak up then, boy!
CB: When we were fighting that ship earlier, why did you ask me to get your red shirt?
Capt: Arr... It be because if I'm fightin' an' get hurt, me men won't see the blood and keep fighting!
CB: Ahh, I see.
The next day...
CB: Captain! The Spanish Armada off the starboard bow!
Capt: *nervously* Arr.. Cabin Boy! Get me my brown pants!!
(I've heard this way too many times...)
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he he
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I wish my grass was EMO so it would cut itself.
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What time is it to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty.
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...I laughed at that one.
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How many students does it take to change a lightbulb?
I honestly don't know....so far it has taken 4 of us....I'll let you know once we finally change it.
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Got this from a magazine:
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a seasaw.
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Ok, this is a little gruesome, but I didn't make it up.
What's worse than 10 babies nailed to one tree?
1 baby nailed to 10 trees.
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Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their heads.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!
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(a question for Bustos: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?)
Q: How do you turn melted chocolate into a vegetable?
A: You drop it -- and it's SQUASH!
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What's the difference between a cartload of dead babies and a cartload of sand...???
You can't unload sand with a pitchfork.....
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yo mama be so stupif that she went bungy jumpin out da basement window!
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World Of Warcraft (and other RPGs) Joke:
How many Paladins does it take to change a lightbulb?
2,
One to Uphold The Light and one to Restore The Light.
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person 1: What' 5-Q plus 5-Q
person 2: Ten-Q?
person 1: You're welcome.
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Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
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Your mother...is so fat...she has more curves than spacetime! In...the...presence...of...a large mass.
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Yo mama so fat when she was floating in the ocean, Spain claimed her for the new world.
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George W. Bush's Resume
George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20500
Past Work Experience
* Ran for congress and lost.
* Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
* Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
* Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
* With father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.
Accomplishments in Previous Positions
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Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
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Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
*
Set record for most executions by any governor in American history.
*
Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.
Accomplishments As President
* Attacked and took over two countries.
* Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
* Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
* Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
* Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
* First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
* First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
* First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
* After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
* Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other president in U.S. history.
* In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
* Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
* Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
* Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
* Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
* Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in U.S. history.
* Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
* Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
* Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
* Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
* Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
* My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
* Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history (the 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
* First president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
* Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
* First president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
* Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
* Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history.
* First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the human rights commission.
* First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.
* Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
* Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
* Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
* Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
* First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
* All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
* My biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
* Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
* First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
* First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
* First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
* Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
* With a policy of 'disengagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
* Fist U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
* First U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
* Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
* Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
* Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive.'
* Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
* In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
* Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
* In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.
* Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.
Records and References
* At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available)
* AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
* Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
* All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
* For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)
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Yo mama so short she models for trophys.
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A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.
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a piece of string walks into a bar and says "bartender! gimme a drink!"
the bartender looks at him and says "your a piece of string! get outa here!"
the piece of string walks outside and starts messing up his hair...then walks back in and asks for a drink
the bartender says "hey aren't you that piece of string?"
and the piece of string says "ima frayed knot!"
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a bear walks into a bar and says "bartender! id like a......................beer please!"
the bartender asks "why the long pause?"
the bear waves his hands and says "always had em"
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a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face?"
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What do you a man with no arms or legs in the ocean?
Fucked
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Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
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Premise I: Power corrupts.
Premise II: Knowledge is power.
Conclusion: Therefore, knowledge corrupts.
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Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
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Yo mama so fat her ass has to have it's own passport.....
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Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.
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An irishman an aussie and a scouser in a pub....The 3 men see a man sitting at a table who looks like Jesus...So they send him over 3 Pints....1 Lager....1 Guiness....1 Bitter....
Later the man comes over to thank them....he shakes hands with the paddy who is instantly cured of his arthritis.....he shakes hands with the aussie who is instantly cured of his back ache.....
The scouser shouts "Don't you fucking touch me....I'm on disablity benefit!!!"
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Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are trying to decide how much they should all give to charity.
PRIEST: *irish brogue* I say we draw a circle on the floor, throw a million dollars into the air, and however much lands inside the circle, we give to charity.
MINISTER: *texas twang* I say we draw a circle on the floor, throw a million dollars into the air, and however much lands outside the circle, we give to charity.
RABBI: *yiddish accent* I say we draw a circle on the floor, throw a million dollars into the air, and however much God wants, he can keep.
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Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.
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(http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j190/Daimiaen/hawking-1.jpg)
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Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
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why is a whore like pizza?
i won't eat the crust....ewwww.
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Yo mama so nasty that pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh.
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why is a whore like pizza?
i won't eat the crust....ewwww.
I think I'm gonna puke.....Lmao!!!
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The pupils of the Tendai school used to study meditation before Zen entered Japan. Four of them who were intimate friends promised one another to observe seven days of silence.
On the first day all were silent. Their meditation had begun auspiciously, but when night came and the oil lamps were growing dim one of the pupils could not help exclaiming to a servant: "Fix those lamps."
The second pupil was surprised to hear th first one talk. "We are not supposed to say a word," he remarked.
"You two are stupid. Why did you talk?" asked the third.
"I am the only one who has not talked," concluded the fourth pupil.
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Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent.
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Mamiya at once fell over as if he were dead.
"You are dead all right," observed the teacher, "But how about that sound?"
"I haven't solved that yet," replied Mamiya, looking up.
"Dead men do not speak," said the teacher. "Get out!"
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Yo Momma so fat she fell over and rocked herself to sleep trying to get back up......
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Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles.
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3 blondes walking in a field and they come accros a river..
stupid as they are they cant figure out a way to cross it, one of them looks at the grass (as you do), and sees a shiny object so picks it up.
its a magick lamp.
they rub it....... A genie appeers: "i shal give you each one wish".
The first blonde tells the genie she wants to be clever.. he grants the wish and she swims across..
The second blonde tells the genie she wants to be more clever and builds a boat to get across..
The third asks to be a brunnete........ and walks across the bridge!
Got there in the end :clap:
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knock knock ;D
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Who's there?
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omg randomness
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Here's a joke for the vegetarians:
What do you get when you hatch an eggplant?
Chick peas
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"Two men and a monkey walk into a bar.
...I forget the rest, but your mom's a whore."
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Shortly after her wedding, the newlywed wife is complaining to her mother about her husband's insatiable sexual appetite.
"He wants to do it 15 times a day, anytime, anyplace, anywhere -- on the table, on the stairs, on the sofa, in the car, in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening. I can barely walk anymore!"
The mother advises her daughter to tell him that she has her period, which seems like a good idea.
So that evening, when the husband comes home from work, he proceeds to undress himself and his wife, when she stops him.
"I'm sorry sweetie, but it's that time of the month."
The husband gets up, looks at his wife, and says, "It's all good honey. I understand." He puts on a robe and walks away.
The wife is somewhat surprised at the mature reaction of her husband, until a few minutes later he returns holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne.
So she asks, "What's going on, dear?"
"We're celebrating!" he replies.
"Celebrating? What exactly are we celebrating?" she asks.
"Anal sex week!"
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The world’s funniest joke according to scientists.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"
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Two men walk into a bar. A third one sees this and still hits his head on the bar.
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Beware!! Costco Scam! Please be careful.
I don't how many of you shop at Costco, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, yesterday, and most likely again tomorrow.
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LOL @^
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thanx
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(http://jje3accounting.com/images/middle%20east%20ass.jpg)
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^= Poor Madagascar... :P
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Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porche?
A: I don't have a Porche in my garage.
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All the children was playing in the surf, except for Clark, he was eaten by a shark...
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Don't drink and drive. You might spill.
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Q: How do you find the population of Mexico?
A: Roll a quarter down the street.
Q: How do you find the richest man in Mexico?
A: Whoever gets the quarter.
Off-color jokes, yay!
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All the children was playing in the surf, except for Clark, he was eaten by a shark...
All the children had fun in the jungle, except for Camilla, she was raped by a Gorilla...
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2 rednecks walk into a bar. they begian to talk about thier moonshine biz and they have a drink. a Woman from the north is eating and she is chocking. 1 redneck asks " Are ya Chocking?"
the woman nods yes
"Can you breathe?"
The woman nods no, and she is truning blue.
The man walks up to the woman and lifts up her skirt and licks her butt.
The woman, so mad the man did that, the food spat out of her thorat.
The other redneck who was watching said " I done heard of the Hindlick manver, i never seen anybody do it before"
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The drama between Lex and Tai. ;D
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Just take a look at my sig.
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Just take a look at me.
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You think nothing is impossible? Try slamming a revolving door.
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A blonde and a brunette jump off the Empire State Building at the same time and they weigh the same, which one hits the ground first?
The brunette, because the blonde got lost on the way down.
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Yo momma so dumb, she fell over a cordless phone.
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"I never f*ed a 10 but one night I f*ed five 2's."
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Who?
Don't cry...
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Bush won the elections.
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^ Best. Joke. Ever.
Congratulations on your pwnage, by the way. :)
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Thanks.
"Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes."
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i lol'd^
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Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c...
MOOOOO!!!
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What do you get when you hatch an eggplant?
Chick peas!
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Note, i really talked to my dad about this one
"Dad, you know those story's about blind dates, and they meet and live happily ever after?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Well, have you noticed that they always appear on Dr. Phill or Oprah?"
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I'm so funny, I don't need a joke.
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The Pacifics' UN delegates walk into a bar.
The Taijitu UN delegate ducked.
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What do you call a frat boy in a suit?
The defendant.
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How do you save a Pacific Delegate from drowning?
You don't.
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Bono was at a concert. After finishing a song, he held up his hand to signal silence from the crowd. He held the crowd rapt at attention. He then slowly began to clap. He spoke into the microphone: "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." One voice from the crowd yelled, "Well stop clapping your fucking hands, then!"